Pre-Christmastime Blather, Coffee Shop Style...


Well, Peoples, TGI one day closer to Jan 1st and normalesque Calgary, Canada drivers...

Now, I'm not a scrooge, I adore Christmas and shiny packages under the tree even if no such goodies were on offer to Jesus...but every year, this time of year, I start to smell vehicular desperation, and no, it's not that the cars are desperate per se, more-so the drivers of said cars - changing lanes with less room than a NASCAR driver will allow at Talladega, forgoing all signal lights in favour of emitting ESP mind waves, as the rest of humanity should know where said desperate driver is headed: to credit card debt at the Big Box store, and my personal favourite: driving the wrong way down a One Way, that at any other time of year said desperate driver would never, ever do.

Now, in between those life and death moments, rational drivers quietly shake off the Shock & Awe and head to the nearest coffee joint to calm one's nerves over double shots of any-flavour-latte-will-do as long as it's large - or as Robin Williams said in the movie, Good Morning Vietnam: just play anything but play it LOWWD!

I'm sitting here over my double shot, trying my best to ignore the perky barista in the Santa hat, wondering where western society went a kid in the '60s & '70s, I remember malls being more hubbubby this time of year but everyone seemed happy. Now, grant you, I was a kid, and my only real stressor was if I could match the right shoes with the right outfit so Barbie could go ice-skating with Ken and not be sneered at by lesser dolls.

But even the shiny packages have changed under the genuine real fake Christmas trees that now cost a whopping $400...

Everything is techno.
Everything has a battery, or a cord, or a jet-pack the likes of which George Jettson would be proud.

What's happened to unplugged gifts?
Handmade gifts?
Snowshoes made out of real wood and animal sinew?

Okay, sorry for that last one. The double shot has kicked in.

I yearn for a REAL Christmas with heart-warming gifts and heart-warming family (I'd have to rent said family, mine were more the drink-debate-get drunk-fisticuffs-at-midnight kinda gang) gracing the dinner table

(a full-on Henredon beauty that costs at least 7 grand or is an embarrassment to upper-class western dining society).

Simple things, you know. Just simple times.

No Greed is Good mottoes.

More Sears Wish Book.

(Before Sears plummeted after letting go of Air Miles, and then obviously hired idiotic management that bulldozed them right into the retail crapper...sorry, feeling a wee bit frustrated right now as Barista chick is ignoring the coffee line-up, chatting up instead a trendy guy whose chest size is that of a Ken doll and sporting a scraggly cult-like beard, and the coffee in my cup, and my body's caffeine intake, are reaching Def Con 3 levels).

No more desperation.
No more stress.
No more two hour line-ups at Costco where the guy ahead of you is price-checking a head of broccoli...just for fun.
No more cash & dash.
No more harried cashiers who seem only one degree away from picking up their pen and driving it into your carotid artery...just for fun.
No more "Happy Holidays" greetings which make me wretch in a PC sort of way.
No more bashing Nativity Scenes.
And, oh my god, no more honking horns and burning rubber, like that'll get you to The Bay Christmas card sale any faster, and who mails Christmas cards anymore anyway?! (As a juicy aside, you shoulda seen the road rage gig that just played out right now in front of this coffee shop!! Holy cow that was funny!!!)
No more big SUVs with sissy-sounding car horns.

No more Beatles or John Denver Christmas muzak (like they are my Go-Tos when I think of a simpler Christmas, not).
No more whiny kids dragged around overheated malls by PMS suffering Moms.
No more drone-strike-targeted baby strollers.
No more tinsel that isn't even made out of tin.
No more sickness, no more aging, no more hunger or sadness or animal torture.
No more Trump in the White House, and no more hungry mice in churches…

Just snow, and make it WHITE, yeah, you heard me, White Snow Matters!!

More Bing Crosby and less Bing browser!
More dark meat turkey and cheap Baby Duck and your alchy Uncle John head-bobbing in the wing-back chair by the fireplace.

Just simple toys for simple boys and pink and purple plastic anything for giddy girls.

Just husbands loving wives as Tommy the Tabby Cat climbs the $400 Christmas tree for the 27th time.

Just Christmas. Just Christmas. With the people I love...💖💖💖



Yesss *slurp, gulp* a simple crazy-car-free kinda Christmas...