Friday, June 28, 2013
How could we be THAT dumb?
All I have to say in our naive Baby-Boomer Defence is that we “believed”, you know, we just KNEW Gilligan would get Us all off that island. If we watched, with utter devotion, from one week to the next, The Big G would save Us and Ginger and the Howells…we would get Home…wherever “Home” was….
But, man…it was just not fair.
The Professor spent days, months, heck, all of his non-having-sex-with-Ginger-and-MaryAnn time on that sandy spit of tropical atoll configuring one or another ingenious gadget, that would surely have worked, that would definitely have freed Us all from that infernal weekly-watched palm-tree-lined Hell and back to civilization…if it hadn’t have been for the sneaky-assumed-innocent-under-handed-ways of that diminutive creature with the less-than-straight sailor’s hat.
How could We, Our Generation, who made Hollywood TV what is is today, have got it all so wrong?
You watched, you waited, and while you did, and if you were a boy, you lusted for either Ginger or Mary Ann. If you were a girl, you wanted to be Ginger or Mary Ann. (I wanted to be Ginger, not because she was drop-dead gorgeous but because I had a “thing” back then for anyone wearing a gold lamé gown. To me, gold lamé was the only thing to wear, even making mud-pies!)
But whoever you were in real life and whoever you lusted for, or to be,
I’d root, I’d believe, heck, those “inventions” that the Professor came up with, were they not genius encapsulated in a coconut?!
The guys from Microsoft and Apple should bow and cower in the shadow of The Professor and I can say this because I know. I watched. I was there. Everything in TV Land is real. Just ask any Baby Boomer.
There would be times…
The fear of the “What If’s”.
What if The Howells got off that island? What would they do? It’s not like they were young, you know. Sure, they had moola, had countless mansions and condos in New York, Paris and Rome and Mrs. Howell was always dripping in diamonds (they never made her look attractive though, poor Mrs. Howell). But would they ever feel, anywhere else, as alive as they did on Gilligan’s Island? A wee part of my heart says No.
What if Ginger got back to Hollywood, fell in love with a smarmy Manager, he stole all her show-business money and got her pregnant out of wedlock and as a result, she got fat and got forgotten? Do I see a Marilyn-style slow suicide for Ginger too, laying naked sprawled out on crisp white sheets, in her bougainvillea vine covered Brentwood bungalow? Ginger, like Marilyn, could only drink champagne and pop pills for just so long, you know.
The Captain, sure, he’d continue to charter boat tours, but what if he got the shakes every time he set sail, fearing another marooning? He barely kept his paunchy exterior on G’s Island, thanks basically to Mary Ann’s good cooking, what would he do the next time?
And The Professor, sure, he’d get tenure at M. I. T. but would any of his academic peers appreciate computer chip advancements housed in coconut shells? I dare say The P couldn’t go very long, after experiencing G’s Island, without tinkering with coconut shells…
Mary Ann, oh, sweet Mary Ann…she was like Betty in the Archie comics (the blond to the left for you LOSER non-aficionados of the Archie!).
You just knew Mary Ann, like Betty, would marry the boy next door and live Happily Ever After in Suburbia Land. But. Oh, geez, yeah. In the comic, Archie ends up dropping Betty for that Richie-Bitchy Veronica (the “broad” to the right of Archie). Why do I see Ginger visiting Mary Ann and successfully seducing her hubby, like Veronica did Archie, leaving poor, sweet, innocent Mary Ann with seven kids, a huge bungalow mortgage, and no one to cook for, growing more bitter and less innocent with every lonely year, how sad.
And Gilligan, what would happen to poor, wee useless Gilligan? It’s not like the Captain would ever hire him again as his 2nd mate, being that the Captain, as mentioned above, knows he can’t get his Xanax prescription for nerves filled on another deserted island.
I was thinking however that maybe there was a secret hidden agenda behind what The G did on that island, in terms of the unending screw-ups, that we never knew about. Maybe Gilligan was in charge of a covert C.I.A. mission to train governmental representatives to screw up stuff, you know, like counter-terrorism, tropical-style. Maybe the reason G thwarted all efforts to get off that island was because the mission would have been jeopardized otherwise. Maybe one of Gilligan’s recruits and successful graduate of “Operation Screw Up” was none other than America’s own Dick Chaney! It’s not like we ever heard of the guy before Bush Junior found him and gave him a job that was as simple as being a college football player. Maybe we never knew much about the guy because he was stuck on Gilligan’s Island with the rest of them, in an Undisclosed Location on the island…
WHAT A SEC! WAIT A DARN TOOTIN’ SEC HERE!
Dick Chaney was always in an “Undisclosed Location”, thwarting the success of the Bush Administration at every turn!
He WAS a graduate of the School of G! It all makes sense now!
Right. The U.S. government HAD to make sure that gang could not get off that island, just so graduates as screwed up as Chaney could continue to learn and grow under Gilligan and aid in the economic and industrial downfall that now stains the world’s Super Power! If the others had been freed, the jig would have been up and the School of G would have been no more.
Right! Right! *ahem*
Attention all Readers: IGNORE all of the above. This post was never written. You did not read it. It never was here. You were hallucinating to the tune of a screeching, all-encompassing TV beep, yes you were! You were listening to the Emergency Broadcast System. Honest, that’s what you’ve been doing!
"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test. The broadcasters of your area in voluntary cooperation with the FCC and other authorities have developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency." "If this had been an actual emergency, the Attention Signal you just heard would have been followed by official information, news, or instructions." This concludes this test of the Emergency Broadcast System."
(*Skulking away to an Undisclosed Location…”Operation Screw Up” Graduation Certificate in hand* Holy coconut cream, that was close! ) (*whispering*)
Photos in Order of Appearance: Gilligan’s Island TV Logo – screenwritingfromiowa.wordpress.com; Gilligan – utbiz.blogspot.com; The Professor & Gilligan – realjock.com; Ginger & Mary Ann – amybethobrien.com; Stranded Minnow Boat – captainjessesyachtclub.blogslot.com; The Professor with coconut – artbizblog.com; Dick Chaney cartoon – politicalhumor.com; EBS Logo – emergencybroadcastsystem.info; Archie comic – brad-diller.blogspot.com