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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

How To Survive Inside a Horror Movie…

HorrorMovie-Satire-SurvivingMurder 1

You know, I never realized that a talent in this area could be useful…

I mean, anything CAN happen, right? And, by accident, you may find yourself thrust inside a horror movie…for real…stuff like this happens all the time…

Soooo, I took a quiz, you see, to see if I could survive…

Sigh…(blushing…)

Yes, B3ers…MsBurb, the Queen of literary Murder & Mayhem became the FIRST to die!

I didn’t mean to die right away…but you know how it goes…just because you write on murder doesn’t mean you’d survive one yourself, I guess…how FREAKIN’ embarrassing!

So, with that horrifyingly pathetic thought still lingering in my brain, I thought I should do my civic duty and give you, my good readers, the benefit of my vast experience in this vein…well, yes, my veins are now empty of blood thanks to that killer dude who got me…but even in death, MsBurb can still rage on in a blogging sort of way…

So without any further ado, I present to you my pointers on how to survive inside a horror movie…take notes, there WILL be a test at the end of this blog (okay, there won’t be a test but you may want to carry my pointers around in your back pocket from now on, you know, just in case…)

Pointer No.#1

IF you find yourself in a house which begins to whisper in a very low, raspy voice, “GETTTTTTTT OWWWWWT!” – Do NOT debate the issue with the house, nor analyze why you’re now having a relationship with an inanimate object, just GETTTTTT OWWWWWT!

Pointer No.#2

IF you are a HorrorMovie-Satire-SurvivingMurder 2 white female, with bleach-bottle blond hair and an extremely large set of knockers, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT find yourself in a horror movie whatsoever! NOTHING will save you. You WILL be the first to go! Your boobs WILL be exposed for all to see and then they will be covered in blood from your head being lobbed off cleanly by that machete the killer dude was carrying, silently, behind you…sigh…

Pointer No.#3

IF before you find yourself in a horror movie, a disembodied voice asks you if you’d like a weapon and offers you your preferred choice, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT respond by saying, “What weapon?” – I did this, and well, I’m DEAD now…do you see a pattern here?

Personally, IF you are a tree hugger, or a Canadian, or NOT a card-carrying N.R.A. American, you, like the bleach-bottle blond above, you just have no business being in a horror movie in the first place. Your Hippie Daisy-Chain, Kumbaya, Peace & Love ideals will get you “offed” right after the opening credits.

Pointer No.#4

IF, while you’re inside the horror movie, you begin to hear eerie music, something akin to this>>>

Don’t stand there and think to yourself, “How do they make those screeching sounds anyhoo? Isn’t that a base cello I hear? Damn, that musician is great with it ‘cause I KNOW it’s tough to learn to play the cello!”

Instead, run, don’t walk, to your nearest exit, and run away from and not towards the music’s origin. If the music is getting louder, you’re running the wrong way…

Do NOT scream when you hear this music as your yelps will drown it out, confusing you on its location and therefore make fleeing said that much more difficult, you know, as you run AWAY from it!

Oh, and by all means, do NOT wait for a pause in this music, because, well, the silence you’re about to hear may be permeated with your own death knell cries. Not to mention that all the blood gushing from your veins that the killer just popped open because you ran right TO him may make running a kind of slippery, slimy exercise in futility…

Pointer No.#5

IF HorrorMovie-Satire-SurvivingMurder 3 others along side you have survived up to this point, it’s definitely a good idea to take them along for the fleeing portion of the movie. “Because you want to save them too, right MsBurb?” Well, you know, that was my first instinct, and, of course, it’s another reason why I’m talking to you now from my horror movie grave.

Nope.

You take them along with you as bait for this maniac, that if by chance he catches up with you idiots, all you’ll need to do is just trip the occasional petrified person beside ya, so he or she becomes the killer’s next “project”…better him than you, rrright?

Pointer No.#6

IF by chance you manage to lay into this dude with what you think is a fatal blow, there is a definite Do and Don’t Decorum to follow;

  • Don’t walk up to him and kick him to see if he can kick you back. You know most horror movie maniacs are like that pink bunny. HorrorMovie-Satire-SurvivingMurder 4Unless you laid into him with a nuclear bomb, assume the dude is still breathing.
  • If your weapon of choice was a handgun, Do empty the clip into his head and jump into your car and run over that head twice, just for good measure, or until you see his cranium crack and squish like so much Halloween pumpkin. Conservative as I am, yet in these situations, I believe there is never enough “over” in the word “overkill”.
  • Don’t walk up to his body to lift up his hood or mask. Yeah, I know, we all want to know if the “Butler did it” but it might just be the very last thing you’ll know for sure before you stop breathing.
  • Upon fleeing after the flailing, Don’t take your leave of this dude by stepping over his body to do so. Baaaad idea. I’ve never seen a stepped-over-killer stay stepped over for long, and quite frankly, you may need your legs to escape so having them chopped off with his machete as you have your back to him may be counter-productive.
  • Don’t drop your weapon after using it. Yeah, I know, you’re disgusted with yourself for killing a living being but you’ll get over the guilt real soon when he attempts an encore run at your jugular…and he will…you KNOW he will.
  • IF you’re a girl, Don’t start crying. I swear these horror movie killer dudes rejuvenate just from the scent of sissy-girlie tears alone. I think they’re like some sort of killer hormone accelerant for maniacs, not to mention they make running away through the dense forest, you KNOW you’ll eventually be in, pretty damn difficult to manoeuvre.
  • Do laugh an eerie, creepy laugh after you’ve annihilated him. Sure, it may not help you to survive in the end but it might make you feel more empowered as you run screaming for your Mommy.

And finally…

Pointer No.# Last

IF you think the movie has ended and you feel like you’ve survived, think again.

You KNOW horror movies, if they’re worth their weight in gold, don’t end until attempt number three. Soooo, keep running, keep your weapon locked and loaded and keep the tears at bay, at least until you see the production credits scroll up your body.

It ain’t over ‘til the Fat Lady sings, or dies, whichever…

Good Luck!

Horror Movie, Satire, Surviving Murder

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